


Break

by the_realduck



Series: Burn, Bruise, Break [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 21:56:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4762484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_realduck/pseuds/the_realduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was the chopsticks that did it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break

**Author's Note:**

> FUCK this took so long, I'm sorry, I was on a bit of a hiatus. I hope this doesn't disappoint!
> 
> ***Mentions to dubious consent (alcohol mention)****

It had been months since the night that they didn't talk about; months since Dan had felt the taste of Phil’s mouth, and the tension in the flat just ratcheted higher and higher.

Phil hadn’t actually done anything wrong. In the grand scheme not much had changed, except for the fact that there were unspoken rules between the two of them. No touching, no looks that lasted a beat too long - nothing. It shouldn’t have been difficult, but Dan always seemed to fuck up in some small way. He couldn’t _not_ look at Phil, the stranger in his best friend’s skin. 

The air around them just continued to get thicker, but he couldn’t help but hold out the hope that if he kept looking long enough, he’d find warmth in the blue eyes that he used to know so well.

He had found his old hard drive on an empty Sunday afternoon. Dan had held it in his hands and felt torn between laughing and crying, because within that square of technology was proof that it hadn’t always been like this.

Of course Dan had always been adept in the art of self torture; so he sat cross-legged on his bed with his back against the wall as he flicked through the pictures and messages that he had almost buried deep enough to forget. His body burned with the phantom touch where past Phil had touched his skin, their smiles which showed none of the brittleness that had stained their mouths lately. 

For fuck’s sake, Dan couldn’t even drink wine anymore because the taste of it took him back to tangled sheets and warm skin, and he hated himself a little more every time the thoughts came unbidden to his mind.

One night as he was huddled up in his duvet, he found an old message that made him feel particularly raw inside. It wasn’t even life changing, it was just a tidbit from a ridiculous Skype message. The haphazard “You’re my favorite person” tacked on to the end of a sentence; four words that caused his hands to shake and suddenly he was gasping because fuck _fuck_ he missed being Phil’s favorite person, and _oh god_ it felt like a piece of him was missing.

Fuck.

He didn’t look at the hard drive again after that.

Things kept deteriorating though, until the “Want to go out?” became “See you later.” and it felt a little like heartbreak, but that was impossible because Dan’s heart had broken a long damn time ago.

~~

It was the chopsticks that did it.

They had ordered takeout and sat down all proper at the dining table, in some sick facade of normalcy. Phil threw tidbits of conversation out into the void between them every so often, and Dan tried his best to keep up with it, but it was getting so hard to move his mouth along with the words that were so frail it seemed like they shivered in the air.

Dan’s eyes got caught on Phil’s hands and snagged, watched as his long fingers fumbled with the chopsticks and it was - 

_their first night in the new flat, takeout spread across their makeshift cardboard table, giddy joy in his throat as Phil gesticulated wildly, flinging the his chopsticks and the chicken held between them across the room._

_Nothing had ever been as hilarious as Phil’s face at that moment, his disappointed “Oh” as he mournfully looked over at the sad remains of his chicken._

_“You’ll starve to death, Phil, honestly.” Dan had teased, chuckles slipping out._

_Phil had simply looked at him and grinned with boyish charm as he replied, “Well, I have you, don’t I?”, and Dan had felt like the sun had risen right there in the mess of a living room_ -

He blinked.

Phil was talking about a strange experience on the tube, but Dan was still stuck on the fucking chopsticks and all of a sudden it was just too much, just too fucking much.

“No.”

Phil looked up at him, Dan’s one word effectively cutting off the tube story; he’d feel bad about that later but more important, “No.”

“Erm,” Phil looked rather lost as he tried to parse through what Dan meant. “No what?”

“What the fuck are we doing, Phil?” His voice was remarkably calm for how badly it felt he was shaking. “What are we doing? We’re a fucking mess and I...I can’t do this anymore.”

Phil’s eyes were wide as they met his across the table, fingers still clutching the chopsticks, Dan noted rather hysterically. “What?”

He couldn’t stop once he had started, and Dan pushed back from the table and started to pace as the words he’d been dying to say for months started flooding out of his mouth. “God, Phil, it’s like someone’s replaced us with pod people, it’s ridiculous, why are we living like this? I can’t even breathe anymore, fuck, what happened to us?”

Phil was looking up at him, mouth slightly open.

“Yeah, I kissed you alright? I kissed you and I’d do it again, you’re my best friend and I’m in love with you; I know you know that, you aren’t stupid Phil.”, Dan stopped in front of the door leading to the hallway, chest heaving slightly with the weight of the words he was saying, and he was almost finished, but not quite. “I can’t do this anymore, Phil, and I know you can’t either.

“Maybe you wish that we’d never crossed that line, but we did, alright? We bloody fucking did, and I’m sick of pretending it didn’t happen.” he took a breath then, body shaking as he inhaled. He watched Phil who sat silent and shocked, looking up at him.

“I know you regret it.” Dan said, voice soft. “But I don’t.”

Then he turned, grabbed his keys and made his way to the front door.

~~

It was too cold to be sitting outside, but Dan refused to move from the park bench he had claimed an hour ago.

The air stung his nose, and his fingers were frozen but he reasoned that if he just didn’t go back to the flat, all of the problems within it would cease to exist.

He was beginning to plan an elaborate lifestyle in which he could become a hermit and live in a tree house, when the shuffle of footsteps broke into his thoughts.

The person stopped right in front of him, and Dan looked up to find Phil holding out a jacket. He looked at the coat and then back to Phil, who shrugged self consciously and then mumbled, “It’s cold.”

Dan took the coat and Phil sat down. 

They sat in silence for a while, but that didn’t bother Dan. It was the most comfortable silence they’d had in a long time, despite their recent conversation.

After a few minutes, Phil opened his mouth to speak; Dan braced himself.

“I don’t regret it.”

That wasn’t what he had been expecting. 

He looked at Phil, the words coming slowly. “You...don’t?”

“No.”

“Why all of the hush-hush then?”

Phil fumbled with his fringe, a nervous tick that Dan recognized. “It wasn’t regret, it was more...guilt.”

Dan blinked. “Guilt.”

Phil nodded and continued. “Yeah, I mean...you weren’t exactly sober that night, Dan. I would never want to take advantage of you, and even though nothing - well. Nothing serious happened but I still shouldn’t have let it go that far.”

Dan snorted, and decided to continue with the reckless honesty that they both seemed to be employing. “It doesn’t take alcohol to make me want to snog you, but thanks for thinking so.” 

Phil let out a breath of surprised laughter at that, but Dan still wasn’t satisfied. “You can’t honestly tell me that guilt has been the only thing going on. Things were weird between us even before that.”

Phil nodded. “Yeah.” He tilted his head back, looking up at the sky, and Dan let himself look for the first time in a long while, eyes lingering on the other man’s profile. Phil took a shuddering breath before his next sentence.

“You know you’re my best friend. I guess...I just couldn’t really handle how seriously I felt about you. You kind of terrify me a bit, Dan.”

“Just what every boy wants to hear.”

Phil smiled as he met Dan’s eyes, and it was so fucking ridiculous that this should be the most normal thing that had happened between them in forever. 

“No, shush, it’s true. You’re different to everyone else, you always have been. I really can’t lose you.” his voice tapered off a bit at that, and Dan felt himself shudder at the look Phil sent his way.

He ducked his head as a rush of blood warmed his cheeks, still feeling those blue eyes on him.

They were sitting so close that Dan could feel the heat of Phil’s body through their layers of clothing, and suddenly the distance between them didn’t seem so great anymore.

“I love you.” said Phil, and could it really be that simple?

“Yeah.” breathed Dan, and their fingers intertwined.

Perhaps things would end up alright after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thus ends the Burn, Bruise, Break series. Thank you so much for reading/commenting, it has seriously been so lovely to see! I would love to know what you think of this, I hope it wasn't too unrealistic? I like trying to keep my fics relatable. Thanks to [lesterotic](http://lesterotic.tumblr.com)'s [2012 phan tag](http://lesterotic.tumblr.com/tagged/2012+phan), Troye Sivan's [Bite](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAQqcTZLf1k), and Sky Ferreira's [Everything Is Embarrassing](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEamE0MYPkg) for the inspiration.


End file.
